I wrote this after experiencing abusive BDSM. It is an effort to describe how I like to engage with Kink play.
There is a project to heal a generation of people who suffered from rejection humiliation and violence in youth called ‘IT GETS BETTER’
I am a member of that population. As a kid, I was picked on, beaten up, and humiliated for being queer and different and the issue was ignored at home.
I left home at 17 came out and found a gay community who radically embraced me and gave me the feeling of belonging and being loved.
At 53 I find myself with deep issues of grief and loss as is not uncommon in the reduced numbers of this population that I belong to.
I am healthy and strong and remarkably resilient and yet there is a wounded and fragile facet to me as well.
I have had a passion for power exchange play. I have a need to experience vulnerability and safety with the trust someone powerfully has my back. The passion I am sure is in service to those early years of trauma.
I love this play but I do not want to participate in the aspect of the BDSM community that plays with non-consent or diminishment. There is a mental health hazard for me in that play.
So I want to see who resonates with the beet of my drum.
I am a switch and if I top you I will take very good care of you and if you top me, take very good care of me.
Safe words are not necessary because none are needed.
Instead, the faintest approach to difficulty be met with a communication, be it subtle, be it a touch, be it a shift in approach, be it verbal speech if needed, that it is clear, that what is occurring, is a dance that is danced together.
That is the point of the play I seek.
To trust and have it work out.
To cultivate intimate communication with the subtle body, and hold a space for primal implicit experiences. This is what I consider advanced play.
My boundary is a sense of urgency that I need met with love, reassurance and connection to continue.
I do not consent to any continuum of degradation, humiliation, violation or abuse be it in act, word or deed.
I stepped away from the leather scene with the feeling that ideals and the sacred nature I hold for this play were shattered for me.
I have linage in this play, and one thing that was passed to me was the admonition that the tenants of this play are written in the sand.
I have the intention for myself, to reconnect with the notion of community and my commitment is to do that authentically. t is not without a sense of violation and anger and sadness.
This play has been rich and joyful and meaningful for me and I have gifts to share.
So I say this: and I want to attract those who are resonant with these notions:
Domination is a gift, also a talent and so is surrender.
Wait for a yes.
Hear the first no.
The tenant is to get the first no.
I want to hear you say,
You can have any boundary of any kind.
I will know it’s not about me.
Tell me your boundary any way you can.
If its too subtle and I don’t get it say it again.
I will always endeavor to get your first no.
I won’t make intensity more important than sensuality.
And I won’t let dominance get in the way of nurturance.
Give me your power.
Know I will give it back.
We will dance and we will fly.
And be better men for it.
David Cooney